Why Fundamentalism Breeds Abusive Relationships

Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence

I can't say I ever witnessed a happy marriage in my time in fundamentalism. Not one couple comes to mind over those twenty-one years where I feel were a relationship to look up to, to use as an example of what to look for in a future partner. The relationships I witnessed were often replicas of each other, with the power dynamics of each one appearing very much the same.

The first thing I automatically think of is the fact men called the shots, even for their own wives. Very rarely (if ever) did I witness a woman making a decision without the greenlight by their husband. I knew wives who couldn't even go on a grocery run without their husband's permission. Every step had to be approved by their husband or else it was a step out of line.

The inability to make decisions for themselves like where to go, what to wear, how to style their hair or how to apply their make-up are just a few examples. Women were admonished for simple things like their appearance and men were commanded to have full control of their house, keeping their wives in line.

Jealousy was a common place sentiment I watched occur throughout my time. I knew men who were jealous of the attention their wives gave to the church, to the ministry, and even their children. Once, I recall one husband punishing his wife with opting out of fellowship time after a service because his wife needed to "socialize less and be a wife at home."

Looking back, I highly suspect that each of the marriages that come to my mind's eye were an abusive one. I believe that fundamentalism itself creates the breeding ground for intimate partner abuse.

Let me explain a bit more...

At the center of each relationship in the church and the home, there's an incredible emphasis on who has authority and who is to obey those who have authority over them. A place of authority is not earned by hard work, trust, character, or respect; it is appointed by gender. In this case, that would be males.

The reality is that men are taught that authority is to look like an authoritarian ruler and women are led to believe this is biblical. The end result is an authoritarian authority figure in the home who has been taught to believe that complete authority translates into complete compliance, obedience and submission. If they're not rendered those three things, they are convinced they are not being shown entitled respect and reverence. Not only could this negatively impact things at home, but could be seen by those in the church as a man failing to biblically lead. I'm going to assume this only makes things worse.

The contradicting factor in all of this is, that while men are taught to have full authority, that somehow does not apply to having authority over their temptations. Women are the culprits and the responsible parties for tempting them. For a man to lust, he must have been given something to lust after. Although the one in control, they are taught that they can't control that aspect of their existence. The teachings not only create a culture of victim shaming, but also an environment where personal responsibility for one's own actions depend on the (supposed) actions of the opposite sex and whether or not they think they should take the responsibility in the end. There is no personal accountability for the true guilty party if abuse does take place in and outside of a marriage.

The teachings of "due benevolence" only aids to the toxic environment where spousal abuse thrives. There is no legitimate excuse to deny sexually satisfying your husband. If you don't keep your husband happy, he'll cheat on you. If you don't submit in all things, you're sinning and not right with God. If your husband sins, it is God's will to obey your husband even in sin as he will answer to God. All these things and more, all go far in contributing to abusive marriages in Christian Fundamentalism.

There are many factors that keep victims in abusive relationships, including the teaching that divorce is unbiblical and a sin. Many women will stay in a marriage where physical, sexual and emotional violence is present because they fear judgment by fellow believers or God himself. They not only have been taught that God will punish them, fear they will be admonished for not "sticking it out" and being a reason for their spouse to change or to convert, but have most likely witnessed the shaming and mistreatment of those that have divorced.

Let there be no mistake, this all qualifies as spiritual abuse. Any manipulative tactic used spiritually to control, shame, guilt or create fear in another person is spiritual abuse. Whether this is by an abusive partner, pastor, church or anyone else. It is abuse, period. And it's never, ever okay.

Beyond all of these things, is the reality that many women will have no means to financially support themselves on their own. If a marriage included children, this burden must be unbearable. Many women are forbidden to work outside of the home, have no source of individual income or savings. Often there is no prior work experience and in some cases, no education either. Sadly, in some situations, this very real problem prevents women and their children from leaving, and they stay in a home where violence will inevitably continue. The cycle itself continues.

So, does fundamentalism create abusers? I can't say definitively that it does. But what I can say is that it has created an environment that excuses, justifies, sanctions and encourages abusive behaviors common within it. It ignores and sweeps suspected and known abuse under their ministry's rug and labels it the "Cause for Christ." Fundamentalism preaches strict gender roles that truly objectify women, teaching that they are below a man. And then when violence does occur, as it so often does, fundamentalism separates its people from critical resources by way of advocates, shelters and law enforcement. By keeping it all in house, they keep abuse in the home. And at such a cost...generation after generation where abuse continues.

That's too high a price. Putting spousal abuse out of sight and out of mind doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It simply means the responsibility to properly handle each individual situation has just been shirked.

The fundamentalist woman's world is truly a dark and lonely one.


If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse, please know there are people who want to help. Reach out to these helpful resources. You do not have to suffer alone. You deserve so much more than your current reality. You can find healing. You can find freedom.

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