All Due Respect
So many areas of my life were impacted by this group rule. Very easily, it could be hijacked and used as a dangerous and manipulative weapon by those with sadistic intents. So deeply was this teaching engrained that it was second nature, so members—men, women and namely, children—were often mistreated by the demand to always be respectful.
It started with the conditioning in the home. From childhood, I knew that honoring my parents was vital in order to live a long life. At a young age, this translated to often battling anxiety at those moments I had ill feelings towards something I disagreed with them about. Complaining about completing a chore, for example, would stop me in my tracks, leaving me terrified that by being disrespectful I was also not honoring them, and wouldn't have a long life. This meant I was doomed to never seeing my 70th birthday. I learned this in Sunday school where crayons and coloring pictures depicting one of the many Bible stories I grew up on were hallmarks of those early years.
Also on the home front, being disrespectful wasn't reserved for only my parents. It also applied often to older siblings in my huge Quiverfull family. Older sisters and brothers had the authority to make younger siblings' lives a living hell, able to discipline for simple disagreements. Learning to stand up for yourself wasn't easy. In fact, throughout the tussles, it was usually rallying with younger siblings that had you standing up, if at all. In my case, having been abused by older family members, I found myself watching my words and actions, trying to keep my head down. Still to this day, I'm intent on reading a person's mannerisms, ready to react if suddenly their intentions appear to change. Having my back to a room is very anxiety inducing, for this reason.
In my fundamentalist community, respect was for the pastor. I know some current members will argue this, being quick to pipe up with the response that a pastor or preacher is like any other man; they're not perfect and we don't worship them. I hear that. I also remember speaking similarly from all those years in the movement. Hero worship, idolizing our mentors, following the calling of God, heeding the Man of God's warnings all entailed mandatory respect. Sometimes, it was out of love; other times out of fear, but members respected their leader. In my experience, it was both, along with loyalty.
As a female, there were certain individuals where respect was always important. Respect for men: for our fathers, husbands and brothers, not to mention Brothers in Christ. Here's an example for you from right off the top of my head. If you've ever been to any Independent Baptist fellowship you'd notice long lines of wives fixing their husbands plates, even before their children. You honor and respect the head of your household, treating him like a king of his kingdom. As female members, we'd make and serve the meals, doing "women's work" in our homes and at our churches.
Respect was also a part of ourselves as women. If you respect yourself you won't dress to advertise yourself, they would say. Respect yourself, don't sin by causing a brother to fall, we were told. I guess you could say I, like most young women, "respected myself" from the beginning of girlhood, then, following our strict dresscodes. This, too, was sadly never taught right. I can imagine how different things could be if respect was taught properly to every young girl attending their Sunday school classes, youth groups and churches. My gut says it would've made a huge difference for a bunch of other Lydias out there.
In writing this post, two things prompted the idea to try and tackle this topic of respect. The first, in simply watching a daytime talk show with a panel of lavishly dressed female celebrities holding a roundtable talk. I sat on my couch when one suggested that today's children need to be more respectful. This made me pause for a couple of reasons. One, I always find it odd to hear grown adults criticizing children, regardless of the agenda at play. Adults are to be adults, because, you know, children are children. And second, children learn by mimicking what the adults in their lives do. It's the adults' actions where a child learns to view the world, reacting accordingly to what they observe. It seems immature and even petty to criticize developing children when it comes from the mouth of a fully developed adult. This is just a personal opinion though. I have a lot of those (it's okay to laugh here).
And secondly, a post from another blog I read got the creative juices to really start flowing. It was about whether or not being disrespectful is ever okay, and the fact, that in many of our cases, the very definition of respect was incorrectly taught to us. This hit a nerve, because, yes, this was true for me in my experience. I suppose I should probably elebarote more on that for a moment.
If you are brought up and conditioned—groomed even—to offer respect to certain groups of individuals, not because of who they truly were, and not on behalf of their deeds or because you actually admire them, but because it's expected of you, this is problematic in the long run. Let's take it a step further and dig a little deeper. What if you are not only expected to give due respect to certain persons based on the category they are in (think again: pastors, teachers, parents, men, etc.), but risk fallout, risk negative consequences if you don't? Now, traversing in more darker waters, include what we know about grooming, abuse and mistreatment in every aspect and the excuses giving due respect to truly disrespectful people can entail. Just the aftermath of coming to terms to past mistreatment becomes very complicated for a person taught this backwards teaching of respect.
It's not just the big, difficult aspects of abuse that are more complicated by this (mis)teaching on respecting all those in an authority position though. It translates in the much smaller day-to-day aspects of life, too. Advocating to be another's equal is part of it, making a simple disagreement feeling like a much bigger confrontation. You have to remind yourself that those that appear in what was once an authority position don't necessarily automatically warrant respect. It sometimes takes a lot of effort, being actively determined and mindful to make sure old habits stay dead.
Mostly, it's the revisiting of what real respect really is that probably makes the most difference. It's about giving yourself permission to not agree with everything and everyone. And reminding yourself that the first person that deserves respect is you. Once you get that down, all the rest can fall into place.
Often, I'm wary of anyone demanding respect. To be clear, I'm not referring to those oppressed and who are fighting for their rights and the rights of their neighbor to be respected as all human beings should. No, I'm more likely to be turned off to those that appear more authoritarian-like, commanding those "beneath them" to respect them because of what class they belong to, what position in society they hold or who they believe themselves to be without the proof to show for. Basically, I'm wary of the bullies, the self presumptuous, the big guy pulling the big guy card on the little guy to say, "Hey, you. Step back into line." You know that style. I'm not a fan.
Being a child of fundamentalism, it used to be, You hurt me, but you're my parents, I have to respect you. Being a church member, That hurt, but you're my pastor, I must respect you. Being a woman, You, acting disrespectful for a man, really bothered me, but I should respect you by respecting myself in the first place. Now, it looks more like this: If they're toxic family, I have the right to reconsider our relationship, making certain my boundaries are respected. A "man of God" is no different than any other human out there and respect should also be earned. And, as their equal, men are responsible for their actions, as I am responsible for my own. That's an example of what I mean of making sure old habits, or more accurately in this case, negative teachings, stay dead and buried. Like most things, I'm still working on this.
When you get down to it, "respect" was mostly synonymous with being reminded you should stay in your own lane, a punchline that hurled that proverbial punch and often, it did hurt. It also would shut us up (which I'm thinking was the most likely motive behind the demand). Now, it looks a lot different and I'm constantly exploring how its actual definition translates into my life today. I can honestly say, I have applied the more accurate meaning and look up to those who's deeds earned them true respect. Being respectful to other humans is important and I think it's a goal we all should work at continuing to keep, that it's a worthy aim. Becoming a human, that based on my actions and words, earns me the respect of others is another goal I hope I always strive for.
It's easy to demand others respect you, anyone can do that. The hard work comes in actively being a person worthy of it.
Photos courtesy: Unsplash
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