The Lies We Tell Ourselves in Fundamentalism

 

I was taught to never lie. Never exaggerate, never utter a falsehood, never "bear false witness." I, like many raised in the strict world of fundamentalism, feared telling anything but the truth. Unless it was a means to avoid punishment, I was that person who would stand by what I perceived as truth. And yet, looking back I found that wasn't always the case. There were many lies I told during my time entrenched in Christian Fundamentalism and often those lies were lies I told to my very self. 

These lies had extreme power over me. Power over my actions, my view of the greater world and the isolated one that was my only life. Many of these lies were lies I'd utter for only my ears to hear as I pondered my current circumstances in that environment and how I was unhappy and feeling helpless. Often, I felt like a captive more than a Christian. 

These were the lies I told myself in fundamentalism...

I'm all alone.

I'm the problem.

I have to stay.

Every church is like this, so why leave?

I'm unworthy.

I'll never be happy, so why bother?

This is the best it gets.

I just need to be thankful.

It could be worse.

I just need to commit more to God's will.

There's something wrong with me.

I'm the worst Christian.

I'm a failure.

This is what God wants...

All those lies, however, were told to me first. Words uttered from behind wooden pulpits. Lies said to be truth hurled at confused people only searching for answers and instead finding only they would become controlled. None of them were true, not a single one. We were simply repeating what we were led to believe and that was we were responsible, it was on us. Somehow it was always our fault that we felt the way we did. That we were ungrateful.

Looking back, of all the lies that stand out to me the most, the lie that things were hopeless, and hence, there was no reason to change them was the one that really hindered my ability to shake fundamentalism's dust from my feet so I could walk away. 

Hope is powerful. It works as momentum to propel us into action. To make necessary changes. To help us leave things that no longer benefit us. The lie that there wasn't hope outside of fundamentalism was debilitating and one that I not only accepted as truth, but continued to repeat to myself. Over and over again, I would tell myself this until I finally saw through the biggest lie of all: I can't leave. 

The thing was I could leave. There was hope. And I wasn't the problem after all; fundamentalism was. 

Sometimes those old lies like to show up again, creep up into my mind and try to stay and chat. They like to remind me of all my insecurities and the what ifs, the uncertainty and doubts, always focusing on the fears they thrived off. But their long-ago power has since dissipated upon leaving the environment that created them. No longer do  I have to repeat them; no longer do I have to believe them. The truth can, in fact, set you free. But it starts with telling it to yourself. 

Speaking truth to oneself, especially when that truth unlocks even more fear, takes so much strength. Strength to combat that fear warring inside of you, strength to fight what seems like a losing battle of the unknown, strength to soldier on when you want to give up and wave the white flag of surrender. Surrender to mistreatment, unhappiness, doubts and more fear. Surrender to accept what you have always felt you've known instead of challenging how things have always been. Choosing out of depleted willpower to believe previous lies because the truth is too much to bear and too scary to entertain, let alone act on. Those lies can cripple you, hold you captive, but inevitably you can break free. You can leave. You can find freedom. 

You are strong. You are worthy of hearing your feet walking away from hurtful things. 

Don't believe those lies that fundamentalism's bullies planted in your head. Don't settle for a comforting lie that will eventually eat you alive. Search for answers, look for hope, plant your feet on the ground and then take a step out. Test that truth while leaving fundamentalism and all its lies behind. Step into joy, happiness and the hope that those very things are possible on the outside, because I promise you they are. Determine what is your own truth. Let those be the words you hear.

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