Healing is Messy & That's Okay

 

Healing isn't pretty. 

It's raw, it's emotional and it can be downright messy. 

Often, healing is portrayed as moving on from a terrible time in our life and into a new happy, thriving chapter, filled with smiles and freedom. Rarely do we see the messy parts–the set backs and mistakes, frustration and tears, the moments where we're convinced we've gone backwards on our journey instead of forward. So often, the actual process, which is complicated, isn't highlighted. We only see the crushed victim, struggling to keep their head above the rising water and then suddenly jump to the part where they're a survivor and thriving on the shoreline. We don't talk enough about the swim, the days and nights of being able to only tread water, fighting to stay afloat. We show the rescue, but not the recovery.

In many ways, the hardest part is starting that recovery and being committed to learning ways to help us process the old and navigate the new. It's about retraining our once controlled and manipulated brains towards healthy things and coping methods. 

Healing is a marathon and one that can't be ran in one day, one month or one year. And, it's not only about the race; it's about the preparation, the practice, the hard work of learning endurance, of creating goals and trying to reach them. There will be days you won't be able to concentrate on that upcoming race or envision your hard work paying off on a win because you're feeling stuck about a loss in the past. You may feel tired and worn and reconsider if it's worth the effort to keep aiming for those goals. 

Part of healing though also means being able to accept change and commiting to yourself that you will do what's best for you. It's about learning to set boundaries and keeping them. It's about understanding that it's okay to choose you and not feel guilty about it when you do. 

As a survivor of all forms of abuse, including religious trauma, I'm finally at the point where I'm comfortable saying healing isn't pretty. It's tough and it's messy. It's not how I envisioned it would look like. It's complicated made even more complicated by my unique upbringing in a Christian Fundamentalist cult. But for me, it's part of my journey and on this journey there will be ups and downs just as there will be for every person who leaves abuse. 

"Messy" can look like tears over the simplest things like being misunderstood or facing conflict (which is normal and healthy in the real world). And, poor communication with someone you care about and unnecessarily beating yourself up for it. Sure, we can commit to working on bettering ourselves, but that doesn't mean we're bad. Life gets rocky and that's okay.

I truly believe that most of this stems from the black-and-white thinking so many of us that spent time in controlling groups are all too familiar with. We view human mistakes as utter failures and bad days as bad signs. We see the pause in growth as no growth at all. We view ourselves in a negative light based on the negativety we were saturated in for years and years. 

That old conditioning is difficult to overcome. Healing includes actively tackling those falsities and challenging that negative conditioning. Like that marathon, it's going to take time and "time" may translate differently for each person. Some may overcome certain challenges in a matter of years; others may spend their entire lifetimes constantly overcoming something. There is no wrong in that.

It's a marathon, folks. It won't be accomplished all in one day and maybe there will be more marathons to come in the future after one ends in a victory. Regardless, it's the journey and this journey is worthwhile.

So, no. It's not picture perfect. It's often not a pretty sight. It takes determination and difficult days, but the resiliency that helped us survive abuse is proof of what it takes to eventually enter that thriving stage. We've got this. We do. 

It can start with accepting this basic fact...

Healing is messy and that's okay. 

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