Finding The Real You After a Cult

 

The search for personal identity isn't reserved solely for those that leave a cult-ish group. Many of us are actively looking for our unique selfs, that one thing that separates us from others, all while bringing us together with our "tribe." To identify with others and find community. 

This very thing is often exploited by abusive groups and cults use it to their advantage while recruiting new members. They offer all the answers, the community, that sense of belonging and purpose many search for. They exploit the very humanist of experiences–the ability to be a part of a family not created by blood. To know who you are.

Because of this particular exploitation, they separate a new member from their very self, manipulating them into taking on their new cult identity, convincing them in the process that it's the "true" them. Much like trauma, there is the you before a cult, and if you leave, the you after it. Some of us only have the cult identity and nothing to look at to compare because the cult was all we ever knew having been born and raised in it. Breaking free from a high control group means learning what is your authentic self. It's learning who you are. 

As I said before, the search for self identity isn't synonymous with cults; it's a human experience. But often and unlike those who did not experience such constant control, this can be a much more deeper search. It's the seeking without manipulation and limitations when there once was. It's the seeking of the real you; not the puppet who once had its strings pulled by a master puppeteer who was the cult who controlled us.

On one hand, this is exhilarating! Those first few days free can actually be the greatest. But on the other, it can be incredibly overwhelming. 

I remember each stage I found myself in life post-cult. The grief, the celebration, that basking in newfound freedom and the limitless possibilities. I also recall well the utter loss of community and the confusion of no longer being able to belong. I felt like an outlander, lost in a world I didn't know, with no way to find somewhere I could call home. Like a neglected child, I deeply craved nurture and safety. Even though it was false, I once had the guarantee of full protection and with that came the assurance that I would always have an identity, be a member of a "family." By walking away, I left those things behind. It's amazing how much even false senses of safety and identity can comfort a current cult member. 

Suddenly, not knowing who I was, I had to set out on a quest to find exactly who I wanted to be. Tentatively, I began that journey. I'm still on that journey even more than 6 years removed from the cult I left. Looking back, I wish someone would have told me a few things to help me, especially at the beginning of that journey. Here are some of those things....

It's a marathon, not a single race.

You have time on this journey to figure it out. A lifetime to develop into your authentic self. Don't rush. Enjoy the view, the mistakes, the challenges that help you find who you truly are.

Have patience.

You're not going to figure it all out in one day, months or maybe even years. This is okay. In fact, it's quite "normal."

Change is your friend.

Many of us will struggle with change, even the needed and healthy kind. Even though it was toxic, we were in a consistent form of control displayed as structure. Change can be dreaded, scary, and unfamiliar to us solely due to the fact it was often preached in a negative light. But in the "real" world, change is good. Change is also part of this journey. Let it be your friend, not your enemy.

You're allowed to evolve.

With anything, evolving is a positive thing. You are completely fine if you like something one day and decide it doesn't match you a month or year later. It's a trial and error trip, that's what is so cool about being human! We get to attend this huge and incredible buffet and try everything that catches our fancy. Try it if you want and if it's not something to your liking, pass on it the next time. 

Not everything is black-and-white.

This was a huge lesson and one still in the making for me personally. There is a lot of gray in this world. While I want things to often be simple and easy to understand, some things won't be that way. Some things, will be simple to form an opinion on, but that is not always the case. This is neither right or wrong even though gray can feel that way after living a life where black-and-white (right vs. wrong) was spelled out for you. 

You don't have to know who you are to know who you aren't.

This one was big for me. Once I realized who I did not want to be, I was able to start to figure out who I wanted to be. Sometimes, the first step is knowing which direction you won't go. In the beginning, I couldn't tell you what I wanted to be, but I knew what I didn't want to and that was all the toxic things the cult had to offer. By eliminating the things that went against my values, I started to learn and identify what my values really were.

Your values help create boundaries, not walls.

It's taken me years and therapy to realize boundaries and walls are two different things. Boundaries keep us safe with room to grow. Walls keep us locked up in a castle of unhealthy survival coping methods that shy away from growth and beautiful things life has to offer. While it's understandable why we fear new things, changes and trusting new people because the old have seriously hurt us, life is meant to be lived fully. We were meant to experience things like love, laughter and community. We were meant to be human. A cult exploited and stole precious moments and that can be grieved, but there is so much wonder and awe and joy to be present for after leaving a cult. Vulnerability is important and a key that unlocks the gift of connection. 

No one has it all "figured out."

Truly no one has it all figured out. This is true for everyone and not only those of us that survived a cult. The beauty of life is that "figuring it out" is a lifelong process. We continue to find different ways of approaching things, of seeing things, of climbing mountains after unending valleys, of celebrating on mountain tops. We get to learn and create, love and be loved, and we get to do all those things while not having it all "figured out."

I knew I had started to heal when I tried something new. I knew I was starting to learn when I found what I didn't like, but went back and tried something different instead. And, I realized I was truly beginning to live when I found myself living in the moment without even realizing it. 

Determining what my values were and continuing to do so offers a roadmap of sorts. It works as a guide of understanding my own value as a person and helps me know what toxic behaviors I won't tolerate being directed at me or towards others around me. 

Gradually, I started on that path of finding my identity outside of the cult. I'm still on it. I'm always going to learn more about myself, just as you will. Although I need reminding from time to time, it's not to be a chore to search out who we are. We live, and by truly living, that's the most authentic we can ever be. So live and live beautifully, live freely, live authentically as only you can. 

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