Reclaiming A Lost Childhood: Noelle Myers

 

By Noelle Myers

One thing many survivors of cults have in common is a sense of a lost childhood. Of course, big things like Halloween and prom were absolutely forbidden. Allocated as “of the devil” and “sinful” these childhood rites of passage were looked at with longing, watched from the outside like the proverbial kid in a candy store window.

More than that, for me, it was also not doing many things children get to do. I could never ride the quarter machines, because all our money went to the church. Dance class was out – as being worldly and sinful – moving your body was a no-no, and let’s not even think about a leotard or the (gasp) music. Skiing, swimming, and most sports were out because of violations of the church-imposed dress code.  Even going to the gym was frowned upon (for women at least) due to the large number of men present and the lack of a “moral” dress code.  I can’t speak to what it is or was like for men, although I personally noticed quite the double standard in my particular church. Movies at the theater were strictly forbidden, television was highly frowned upon and even reading books – other than those specifically vetted by church authority was discouraged. Public school was out, only the church run school, and later, home schooling, was allowed. The only thing that was encouraged was music – but only specific types. 

All the restrictions, and I have barely touched the surface, took a lot away from my childhood. Add to that several instances of trauma both inside and outside of the church. I spent most of my formative years in survival mode. All that said, it certainly wasn’t all bad. I do have good memories of my childhood. My immediate family got along well, we often played board games, card games, or watched old black and white movies together. I still enjoy doing these things. We went camping, made smores, saw plays put on by local theater groups, etc. My parents did not hold to the same standards of music and reading as most of the church, and I was a voracious reader, so I knew more about “the outside” when I finally broke free, than many of my peers still stuck in the cult.

Still, upon emerging into the outside world, I was woefully ignorant of many things. At twenty-six, I could barely order for myself at a restaurant, let alone speak up if there was a problem. I didn’t know much, if anything about politics, certainly nothing about global politics or happenings. Popular culture was completely foreign to me. I had little to no social skills, even holding down a job was difficult. It took me years to finally realize that part of all of my difficulties, was due to never learning the appropriate skills as a child.

Despite having been free from the cult for over 15 years, I still often struggle with teachings and voices from that time. One of the ways I have found that has been helping me to heal and move forward as the best me I can be, is to reclaim some of those things from my childhood. Intentionally experiencing some of those things I missed has been very cathartic and healing for me.

A few years ago (before the pandemic) I dressed up and went trick or treating with my “nephews”. I explained (or my nephews did) that I had never gotten to go as a child and wanted to experience it once.   The response I received was overwhelmingly positive. Most people didn’t ask questions, they simply said “That’s great!”  “Good for you,” and so on. Many put extra candy in my bag. 

I take every opportunity to do something I wanted to as a child and couldn’t, although I have not been brave enough to try rock climbing, dance lessons, or voice lessons. Yet.  I ride the merry-go-round at the amusement park, I swing on the swings, or get a gumball out of the machine. One day I even went out and splashed in puddles, and played in the rain, just because I could (and had hot cocoa after – rain in North Dakota is cold – even in summer).  

If I want to try my hand at a new craft – such as painting, sculpting, or candy making – I do so, and don’t worry so much about if I am not “good” at it or if it is “wasting time”.  (Another childhood “lesson” from the cult I had to debunk, one must be constantly busy to be worthy or successful) PSA – time spent enjoying yourself, is not wasted. I embrace as much as I can with intention, which often leads to wonder, education, and joy.

I have found that by doing these things, not only has it restored a certain joy, but it has also taught me things like communication, helped me socialize, find new friends, and truly begin to enjoy life. Each thing I do to reclaim a piece of my childhood, restores a piece of my joy back to me. There is no right way to heal from the trauma inflicted upon us by the cults we grew up in, but for me – this is a darn good start. And if nothing else it is fun – something we all can use more of in our lives.

This story was shared as part of the project called Out of Oceania: Survivors Share Their Stories, an originial series by this blog. To read more stories, click here.

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