Please Reconsider Asking Victims of Religious Abuse if They Still Believe

 

A lot of people ask me often if my faith is intact after everything I’ve gone through. This is a question that I’ve received countless times as a survivor of church abuse and religious trauma. I suppose it’s a relevant question after growing up where religion was a prominent fixture in my life. My spiritual journey isn’t one I often talk about. Granted, I do share what I feel were problematic teachings that leant to the abuse I and others have experienced. But truly have I broken down my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on religion? No, I haven’t. I’m unlikely to completely start doing that now either.

This is partly because like everything else, I’m still learning about it. In the beginning days on my journey, especially after leaving the IFB, I was extremely close to God. I found such healing and the ability to break away more freely with recognizing that an all-powerful being was one of love. I would say at that time I was very progressive in Christianity if I was searching for a label. I learned and studied and talked with people of all different faiths. I gradually moved towards all paths leading to the same place, but inevitably kept those feelings to myself. Then, I entered another stage of not knowing and being okay with that. I’m truly comfortable at this point in my journey. I’m still healing and recovering from religious abuse, and I know that healing and recovery happen on my own timetable.

The question if I’m still a believer, specifically a Christian, is one that I found I have had numerous different reactions to over the years since I’ve left my past faith and the cult I grew up in. At first, it was very triggering. After all, surviving religious trauma can come with its own triggers that lend to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because it is trauma, you often can have a trauma response to religious content. Religious abuse contributed to my trauma just as the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse I experienced growing up did. I navigate triggers sometimes on a daily basis.

Then, with more time and exposure frankly, it got easier to be in that space and answer that question. Not having an answer was very difficult for me as someone that needs to know what I think, feel or am at all times. That is my need for control and a protective wall I’ve had for years. Truth is though, that it was very unrealistic. Regardless of my response, I had to be prepared for the response from the person doing the asking. And I’ve had a mixture of different answers, but they usually range anywhere from being admonished, being encouraged to convert, being encouraged to identify as atheist, or my favorite: support. That last one comes with no opinions from the other person, no judgment, but just plain old and good support.

I also think that the question if a religious trauma survivor has held onto their religious beliefs is one that should be considered with care. We would never ask a sexual abuse survivor if they like sex after experiencing abuse. Why? Because we know that such questions are first of all, personal, and secondly, that what they experienced was not sex, it was abuse. So, again, why would we ask such a thing? I feel the same can apply to religious abuse survivors. As a religious abuse survivor, religion was the weapon used against me to abuse me. I don’t feel that religion itself was the problem as much as the monsters wielding it at me. Religious trauma needs to be recognized and validated for what it is: trauma.

I also don’t want to receive pity for my feelings on religion today. I’ve come so incredibly far to the point of rejoicing with those that are living their lives beautifully with religion at the core. Although I understand why some survivors do, I feel fortunate to not hate religion when I’d be justified doing so. I’m healing and this has been part of my recovery. Connecting with those of different faiths or those with no faith at all has been so incredibly moving. It’s been eye-opening. It’s been encouraging.

Although all of this is important to me, I want this post to focus on this thought: Let’s pause before asking a religious abuse survivor if they’re still religious. Let’s hold space for them to figure it out and accept with no judgment their answer. There is no one way of healing from abuse and that applies to religious abuse.

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