Learning to Trust After Surviving a Cult

 

Learning to be vulnerable after growing up isolated from the real world and being unable to trust the people you were taught were supposed to be trustworthy can leave a survivor struggling to connect post cult. Finding those who won’t judge you or exploit your cult experience can be difficult, adding to that struggle. Because surviving a cultic environment is often a traumatic experience, walking away may also mean walking away with chronic mental health issues such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and anxiety and depression, not to mention other types of illnesses that were left untreated for a member’s time inside of their cult.

The point is that learning to trust others on the outside enough to be vulnerable can be extremely, extremely difficult for survivors. And yet, doing both those things (being vulnerable and trusting) are necessary in making meaningful connections. Building a new safe circle is important. Many of those that leave religiously abusive environments lose their only source of community, family and socialization by walking away. They walk away with zero support and must rely solely on themselves to navigate a world completely foreign to them.

I fortunately had some siblings to leave the movement we grew up in around the same time I did. I dove headfirst into trying to understand spotting red flags in others, learning about life post cult and reading, reading, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on… Or you know, what I could find online on the subject. I found one blog on the IFB specifically and found support groups on Facebook to help me understand what I had left and what to expect going forward.

I learned to start and open up about the experiences that had shaped me as a trauma survivor. I connected with people who helped mentor me in many ways, those that had been out much longer and lived life differently. I learned through those connections, and now in therapy, that I had lived… It was just a different kind of living. I grew up way before my time, understand on a deep level how trauma occurs and have firsthand experience surviving horrific things. Because of that, I often appear much older than I am (28) and am often a very serious (and literal) person.

It takes time, it takes trust that is tested, and it takes me opening up to vulnerability to connect with others. It’s okay to not rush into trusting new people in your life. It’s only natural when you’ve been betrayed by those closest to you. Surviving a cult meant that I was also betrayed by spiritual leaders such as pastors, Sunday school teachers and other fellow members. These relationships were to be far beyond even my genetic family. As a survivor of incest, I remember expressing that maybe, somehow, I was prepared better by that particular trauma when it came to the betrayal of my spiritual family. Not that it hurt any less; not that my heart didn’t break into as many pieces. Just that betrayal started young in my life, so I was acquainted with its sting already.

Despite those things and through hard work, I’ve made and am still making new connections after leaving the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement. The first time being vulnerable was so, so hard. I was in full survival mode at times, I can’t lie, waiting for that old familiar betrayal. But, over time and through earned trust, I was able to connect to people outside of the cult. Time goes on and not everyone stays in the roles they once served in, but their trust is still good. They’re still in your corner as you live your lives apart. My vulnerability was rewarded with connection, learning to trust, being proven wrong that every person out there will abuse me and break me – some just won’t. There are good people out there.

I’m gradually growing my circle. But the first step is working on my own healing. Learning tools to healthily connect with others and have boundaries in place is so imperative if you have survived a cult or any other form of trauma. Because we’ve never witnessed such in the groups that controlled us, learning these things to protect ourselves and live life fully is key.

In life, we all will experience hurt. That is true for everyone, regardless, if a cult was involved or not.  Avoiding hurt entirely is a trauma response, however. And although understandable, feeling true connection means we have to sometimes jump and see what happens.

I’m glad I jumped. I’m glad I was proven wrong and people actually showed up. I’m thankful, so beyond thankful, that I’m learning tools to help me connect healthily. I had no idea what it was I was missing by being constantly stuck in survival mode. I missed out on everything from genuine friendships, simple joys in life like dancing and enjoying live music, feeling safe in my own skin, sex and real and healthy relationships. I couldn’t find those things in the cult and I wouldn’t have been able to start embracing this thing called living until I recognized what a cult did to me, trauma’s impact on me and what healing actually means to me.

You can never go wrong choosing to heal, to live, to laugh, to love, to be authentically yourself. You’re free now. So, heal if you must, but live beautifully always.

As always, this former cult member is cheering you on from this side of my keyboard.

Until next time, big hugs and great times. May you have better days ahead and may you embrace the moment freely as only you can.

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