Holiday Reflections

 


Christmas used to be banned while I was just a child growing up in the IFB world. With the often complexity that can sometimes be in homes and in churches in that environment, some members would celebrate, and others would not. Some embraced Christmas trees and Santa to a degree, while others swore such things were complete evil and would shun them. In my experience, the first IFB church to influence my family had shunned everything to do with the holiday, including gift giving. My family celebrated gift giving on a day that emphasized thanks and gratefulness more, and that was on Thanksgiving. This tradition brings back a lot of fond memories for me and as child I would be so excited to get my gifts a whole month earlier than most kids. However, when I reached a certain age and realized that others, especially the outside world, celebrated Christmas in a more acceptable way, I longed to experience that Christmas spirit in the same way.

My first Christmas was when I reached the age of ten. My mother needed it that year and so the gift giving started that year. The next, we got our first Christmas tree, but Mom wasn’t present for that, having passed 11 months earlier. It was bittersweet then and still is today. I have learned to either shut down completely or fight for the right to experience the joy of the season. The past few years, I’ve worked on living more in the moment. Each year, has been different, bringing different challenges with it, but the choice to celebrate my freedom has always been a wonderful reprieve.

This Christmas, things have changed a lot for me personally. I’m thriving in my personal life like I never have before. I have the start of career that I hope to continue to expand and become more independent, I’ve started classes that are just the beginning on my educational journey, and I’ve made strides on my advocacy and now volunteer for a nonprofit to help other victims of religious abuse, along with writing more and more to much larger audiences and the greater public in order to spread awareness. I’m currently in a very wonderful romantic relationship and can’t wait to explore many more adventures along the way. I’ve thrived as an individual, finding myself more and more, trying new things, and have felt myself heal more than ever this year. I’m becoming my authentic self and I know my inner child thanks me.

This Christmas, I’m celebrating with a gratefulness deep within my heart. Gratefulness for the tough times that have led me to this place of joy and comfort, healing and new beginnings. This chapter has been tough, but it’s been great, and I can’t wait to continue writing in its pages. This year, I’m cuddling up warm and comfy, and have promised myself to rest and recharge this holiday. I’m going to spend time with family of origin and of choosing, and those that love me for me, the Lydia that survived a cult, the Lydia that has worked so hard to heal from so many things and the Lydia that is authentically just me. I’m surrounding myself with those that have enhanced my life, not those that have torn it apart. Like most years, it’s bittersweet yet again. I miss a lot of things, but I value so much more.

So, this holiday season, whether you celebrate or just get barely by, I’m thinking of you too. I’m sending love and light your way and wishing you moments beyond the bittersweet, but of actual joy and comfort, healing and new beginnings. Be gentle with yourselves.


Photo Courtesy: Unsplash

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