Purity Culture Insults Men, Too
Purity Culture doesn't just suppress, enslave, and harm Christian women psychologically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually...Believe it or not, Christian men are targets, too. It recently occurred to me as I contemplated the depth of this deceptive and divisive subject, that the types of Christians who participate so willingly and fully embrace Purity Culture, especially Independent Fundamental Baptists (my personal upbringing) and the like, are really "man-haters" even more than they are misogynistic. Purity Culture (PC), and the Christians who uphold it, treat all men as totally helpless, mindlessly rutting and grunting, sex-driven Neanderthals who walk, and talk, and think with their penises.
It's really quite insulting when you think about it. In their version of manhood, all men remain sexually, emotionally, and intellectually immature way past puberty. Ever-hormonally charged and lust-driven, they can never be trusted with their own supposedly "natural" urges. Purity Culture acts as if all men are really animals who cannot help themselves when it comes to sex…but why? Honestly, I don't see it myself, but I guess that goes along with their "total depravity" and the "enslaved to sin" mindset, where there is no built-in conscience. What I mean is that in their minds, human beings do not possess an innate sense of right and wrong apart from any written moral code and there is no ‘free will' to be employed in resisting. They don't even give men a choice to be anything else BUT “selfish dicks,” quite literally. To me, the very idea that men especially, Christian men who supposedly have the power and help of God's own Spirit, cannot manage, control, and contain their own sexual arousal is sickening. In fact, it's downright laughable! Oh, but it sure is a darn good excuse to keep blaming and shaming women for every little thing conservative and fundamental religion can think of, now, isn't it?
Purity Culture focuses so much on how women act, look, behave, walk, talk, and dress, but it never really says much (if anything at all) about how men are painted as "Wild Bucks" looking to mount a Doe –any Doe, at any time. Christianity in general hypersexualizes everything it can about a woman's body and appearance (ironically, all the while condemning the fashion world for the sexualization of little girls), and then it says, "Now, guys, look, but don't touch.... Not until you're married, that is." It eagerly points out every potentially attractive feature a woman has to offer and details each possible, negative sexual scenario connected to those feminine features, but Purity Culture (PC) never narrows in on the moral fiber or character of the persons involved –not the men, anyway. Men are given a “free pass" to behave badly, because it is proclaimed as "in their nature,” while women are morally hosed down in the streets at the lift of a hemline or a glimpse of supple cleavage!
Momentary sidetrack: I personally know Christian women who will not wear V-neck shirts to avoid even a hint of breast showing, no boat-necks, for fear their bra straps will show, no halter tops that show their back, and no thin-strapped tank tops (not even on the hottest, most humid days of summer!) that reveal the curves of their shoulders and throat. I know women who would never leave the house without a full coverage, foam cup bra to hide their “headlights,” a rather ambiguous and unflattering term for our nipples (yes, I wrote the actual word! Shocker!) should these wonders of feminine anatomy somehow accidentally become stimulated and hardened by the friction of fabric, a sudden hot flush, or a rise in blood pressure, or even a cold draft. They cling desperately to their modesty in hopes of 1) not becoming a target of a sexual predator (which is not how it works anyway according to psychologically trained criminologists), and 2) to keep from tempting every man they meet to sin, even if it's only his passing thoughts. I find this knowledge to be disheartening and their measures to hide themselves from men, unnecessary, and even, sad.
Frankly, I'm done believing men in general are not capable of anything else, *but* lust when they are around a woman/women, whether that's at home, at the beach, or stuck browsing the lingerie aisle with their wives and/or daughters. Come now! We are smarter than this, aren’t we? Are they men, or are they animals? Can they think, reason, and use logic, or can't they? Are they capable of believing and receiving God's grace, and applying respect and good manners to members of the opposing sex, or not? Are they human beings with brains that are teachable and able to learn, or not? I mean, "Christianity" is supposedly the most enlightened and selfless religion known to humankind, right? You'd think the men proclaiming it could master this one, simple thing...since the body part that offends is literally attached to their own pelvis! If not... Well, we all know what Jesus said about "parts of the body that offend,” don't we? However, before we swing that pendulum too far the other way and make all Christian men become eunuchs (which would be a terrible waste of such a unique and pleasurable design, in my female opinion…), can't we stop and really THINK for a change about this situation Christians and Purity Culture have created?
You know, it is very interesting to me that you *NEVER* hear Jesus, "the author and perfector" of the Christian faith, talk about himself or his twelve Disciples the way Christianity and Purity Culture do about themselves and theirs. Never. In fact, Jesus rarely ever brought up gender roles, patriarchy, or sex. Adultery, yes, he mentions it a time or two when forced into it, and then, there is the dreaded "lust of the eyes"....but Jesus never suggests that any man is ever incapable of averting those eyes, or unable to practice self-control, gentleness, patience, compassion, or genuine empathy towards women, or even, towards himself. In fact, it's quite the opposite. A Christian man is instructed to "love his wife as much as Jesus loves his Bride..." (my paraphrase). Christian husbands are told to love their wives even *more* than they show care and concern for their own lives. A Christian man is called to sacrifice his own needs, wants, and wishes, even to the point of dying in his beloved's place.
Christianity and its "love child,” Purity Culture, really have a low opinion of women.... Yes, they do, indeed! That's obvious. Yet, after giving it much thought and through brutally honest discussion with men and women in my own circle and via social media, it is my conclusion that it has an even lower opinion of MEN. That's right! The very ones making all the rules don't even trust *themselves*. They're fully convinced they can't possibly bear the burden of such deep self-examination and ongoing accountability. It's just too much to ask! It's too much work! It takes too much self-awareness and mindfulness to keep track of a penis and the brain to which it responds, I guess - but what do I know? I’m just a woman! Nevertheless, it is my observation that Christian men in particular have become lazy, entitled, and lost in a culture that promotes codependency, lies, and blame. That's why they “need" us, the women, to do all the work for them. Christian Men have been told they cannot do it by themselves...but I say, oh, yes, THEY CAN AND SHOULD! They're human beings just like us. If women can watch our every step and sway, then men can surely choose to ignore a revealing outfit or a curvy body. It takes the same things employed by both genders to do this: the mind and the will.
Additionally, Purity Culture isn't just damaging women. It's damaging to men as well. It really is. When you break PC down to its basic doctrines and agenda, I can see why so many men are struggling with lust and pornography today.... It is almost EXPECTED. Christianity, especially sects like Baptists, in my experience with the IFB and SBC, teaches men that they can't help it and that's how they were DESIGNED!! They actually teach that this is how men were made BY GOD...and, of course, that tricky thing, known as the "sin nature", makes it almost impossible to "keep it in their pants".
Wait.... Are you kidding me?? So, by that token and in their estimation, GOD literally designed men to be weak-willed, lust crazed, and codependent?? He made them incapable of being self-aware and without the ability to find normal and practical solutions to every-day problems like lust, then? No, I don't think so. I don't believe that. Christianity (aka, Churchianity) has developed, harbored, and pampered this kind of man, NOT God, with its unbalanced scales, always putting more and more responsibility for men on the women. Ladies and Gents, PC has weakened our men to the point that they now accept this labeling without blinking, they settle into their lot in life, and they call it "normal"… call this foolishness!
We have to teach our girls and boys a batter way, Christian parents, Christian grandparents, Church leaders and teachers. We must stop this ugly cycle of labeling and nullifying their choice of who they want to be as individuals, limiting it and defining them only and according to their gender, and by roles wrongfully assigned by a backward and blind religious culture of ridiculous rules and castigations.
Men, you are NOT defined by your penises! You do not have to be controlled by lust. You do not have to submit to Purity Culture's demeaning conditioning. Women, you are SO MUCH more than breasts and hips. You have a choice to participate in Purity Culture, or to reject it. You are NOT responsible for the thoughts and actions of men. Love yourselves and love each other. Trust yourselves and trust each other! Protect yourselves and each other from this "wolf in sheep's clothing" called “Purity Culture". It is a farce and a lie.
PC has an ugly agenda to subjugate women - AND men - to the roles it has chosen for them, taking away their autonomy, individuality, and freedom to choose. PC goes about trapping Christian Men in a revolving door of problems, both physical and emotional, leading to broken relationships, familial and marital dysfunction, and resigning men to addictions, such as pornography, which can lead to personal sexual issues, like ED. It's an ugly reality for men as much as it is for women. Different, but still ugly.
I deeply believe that this is really what Christian Men - perhaps, all men - need to hear: that they are NOT animals, and they are NOT intrinsically and hopelessly broken. It's the religious system that perpetrates and perpetuates lies, spreads misinformation, and freely employs fear to control the masses that's really broken. It's church/religion and the culture it creates, the doctrines it teaches, sadly, that have left men with a false image of themselves, of women, and of sex. Frankly, it is my personal conclusion that Christianity is quite OBSESSED with sex, despite being horribly uneducated on the subject!
The way The Church at large handles sex and what it teaches about sexuality and male/female relationships builds up false hopes in both women and men, teaching that once you're married everything will just "click!" - you'll be perfect lovers every time! You and your mate will instantly be Adam and Eve personified. Women, you will have your tender, passionate lover and protector. Gents, your perfect virgin maiden will be ready, willing, and waiting to please you and to meet your every whim and wish! We, of both genders, the ones coming out of bad marriages, having survived and still surviving sexual abuses, and angrily disillusioned with Christianity and Purity Culture, know this is falsehood. It's a total and utter crock of poo! Always has been.
Yes, sex is definitely a learning curve. We all need to have a proper perspective and be realistic with our expectations of and about sex. It's not the stuff of romance novels or porn videos. Neither is real. It is a mutual journey. Sex should be truly intimate, requiring vulnerability and honesty, and it is reflective of who we are on the inside. It's about way more than that coveted physical climax or a means of reproduction, despite the "be fruitful and multiply" mandate some churches push. In reality, sex can be ugly, clumsy, and messy sometimes...and even, disappointing. It can be rushed and unfulfilling. It can be painful, frightening, and something to be avoided, by both men and women. It can satisfy.... but it can also hurt, and not just physically.
Unfortunately, for men, all they are left with is this false, golden idol…SEX!! (Grunt, scratch, adjust manhood stoically...) As if there is just one thing that meets all their needs and this is God's ultimate goal and gift to men, and to their manhood.... First and foremost, a meek, submissive, virginal woman to use it on, and secondly, a grand release for all that pent up frustration and patience they had to display until their wedding night - Ha!! In Churchianity and Purity Culture, for men, sex has definitely been put up on a pedestal. It's held up as "the be all and end all" of their male and married lives. Women are taught to be meek and mild, always available at their husband's demand...and men? Men aren't taught much of anything, frankly. Nothing of any real or relational value anyway, not that I have seen in my experience and from what I have gleaned through conversations with both genders over the years. It's as if Christians believe the male sex drive just knows what to do and men's bodies will just do “it"...and who really cares if Christian women are prepared for sex! They just have to lay there and receive the seed, right??... Thus, part of Conservative Christianity's adamant rejection of any form of secular Sex Education - because, nobody really needs to be "taught" about sex or how to perform sex. Oh, pa-shaw! And it also embodies one of Patriarchy's and Purity Culture's worst fears... Don't you dare convince women they can use the word, "No!"... How dare you! Sex is a man's right!
Christian Men especially seem to have this problem with their perspective and expectations of Sex. There is both a heralding banner and a dark stigma attached to sex...and to expressing sexuality. They have no idea what to expect from themselves, or their bodies, but the mythical prowess that every Christian parent, pastor, youth leader and Bible teacher has told boys they posses "as designed by God", which has no basis in fact. It is a really bad assumption and an even worse assertion to make Christian boys believe they're meant to be great at having sex. It sets Christian males up to fail, because, anyone who's having it regularly within a committed, monogamous relationship will tell you, Sex comes with conditions. There is no guarantee! That's right, gentlemen... You might actually suck at sex - no pun intended.
I really feel quite badly for men and boys in most churches that adhere to PC, especially Baptist ones with a fundamental lean. The majority are not being taught the truth about themselves, their sexual abilities and responsibilities, or about women, our female bodies, or our needs, let alone about sex itself. This lack of information and proper development on the subject of sex needs to be addressed and dealt with honestly and compassionately, just as much as all forms of abuse, lust and porn, and misogyny. Men need to know that Purity Culture is not their friend. It has failed so many and continues to do so.
I want to be clear...I'm not a professional. I don't pretend to be. I don't have a degree in any field of theology or psychology. I'm not highly educated or skilled, and I am not trained as a counselor or as a writer, I just know humanity. I know what makes men and women tick; I've studied relationships, psychology, trauma, narcissism, abuse, and religion as personal passions. I know religion all too well. I know what oppressive, stifling religion and spiritual abuse does to people.... especially children, teens - that includes girls, AND guys - and to men and women, married or otherwise. I know what it did to my parents; my mother, especially, suffered. I know what Purity Culture has done to my married siblings, and to me and my husband, and to my dear 13-year-old niece, and to my 16-year-old son. I've seen the results in others' lives, marriages, and the way it oppressed their children, specifically the girls, but it hurts boys, too. I know how Purity Culture and backward religion has hurt us all in one way or another.
It is my hope to be one, little cog in the greater machine that stops Purity Culture and Churchianity in its tracks. If what I have written here changes just one person's mind and keeps one more man or woman from suffering the terrible, debilitating effects of another Christian made, false idol, it is worth it.
The effects of Purity Culture on men have been left out of the discussion for far too long. It's time to fix that... So, let's talk about it. Let's remove the stigma of "Men can't help it" and hold them to a higher standard. Let's give them back their dignity and self-respect.... and let's expect real, grown, Christian men to behave like MEN, instead of as hormonal adolescents! Most of all, let's stop accepting every twisted distortion of womanhood and manhood to come out of a pulpit as if it's the very Word of God....It's not. It never was.
This story was shared as part of the project called Out of Oceania: Survivors Share Their Stories, an originial series by this blog. To read more stories, click here.
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