Why This Holiday Season I Felt Joy Instead of Loss

 

This time of year is always bittersweet for me and a lot of other survivors out there. I remember a lot of traumas around Christmastime and New Years, also a lot of sickness. There was a lot of pressure to do a lot of things and be a certain way. There was caroling, a Christmas play where you’d have to perform and sing, often very ill, and a ton of get togethers to attend. And then, there were a lot of tough feelings and emotions as you either gathered or didn’t with people who were, well, super hurtful. It can be a triggering time of year. There can be a lot of loss and grief.

But there is also joy for me. Well, now there is….

For the past few years, I’ve decided with a heart full of purpose to enjoy my time here on earth and make every Christmas one that I remember. Most often that looks like living in the moment. I have a tree, a Christmas village that lights up, and I put Christmas lights on the balcony. There are stockings hung. I have cards from friends and even strangers who connected with me because of sharing my story and this very blog displayed in my home. There are signs of Christmas everywhere. I had a wonderful Christmas Eve with my partner in our little home, surrounded by our pets. On Christmas Day, I rested at home by myself and was feeling under the weather. But I didn’t mind… because unlike so many Christmases in the past, I’m filled with peace and joy. My heart has a lot of love in it for those I care about; it has healed tremendously in a matter of four years.

This has been my eighth Christmas free from the IFB, and the fourth where I’ve had a good time and/or felt healing. The past few years have been years of uncomfortable but also rewarding growth. I have a full-time job working with children, following a passion in social justice, and reading. I manage to write on the side when the spirit moves me (yes, I have a few projects in the works!) and still have my blog. I’m still volunteering for a nonprofit that helps victims of religious abuse and use my writing there as well as their Blog Editor. I have mended the most important relationships with family and cut ties with others and feel a bittersweet peace on that as well. This year, I’ve met dear friends for the first time, and I continue to grow my circle of support and loved ones. I’ve traveled and I’ve made wonderful, wonderful memories with those I love and love me in return. I’ve made strides personally and in my relationships. This year, I am surrounded with love, light and beautiful things. My home had those I love deeply in it, family and those who have become family as well to share a belated Christmas meal together. There was presesnt giving and receiving, and everyone doted on the cats. 

Nothing has to be perfect; not one day in the year, not yourself, not a gift you are giving. Just being present, living in the here and now when you have survived so much is perfectly imperfect and something to be immensely proud of. FYI: I’m proud of you.

This year, I waited for that sad, bitter cold depression to sink in like it has so often during the holidays but in never came. I was surprised and realized the factors that have helped change that: therapy, a safe and loving home, boundaries with loved ones, connecting with others, working in a field that is rewarding, and volunteering. It’s magical what can take place when you leave abuse and fight for a life of your own choosing!

So, in closing, I’m going to leave you with this one little thought… freedom can look like many things. It’s up to you to decide how exactly your picture will be painted from here on out. And because of that, you will create your own unique masterpiece. It’s not right that we experienced trauma, never was and never will be. But what is right is living our lives in only the ways we can now. And how beautiful is that?

So, to all those who celebrate this holiday season, I wish you the happiest of holidays. And if you are one that is feeling that loss of faith, of community, of family—loss—I’m thinking of you this season. May your heart be surrounded with love and compassion for your very self.


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