10 Songs That Helped Me Leave The IFB Church

For as long as I can remember music has always been a big part of my life. From the very beginning, I was surrounded by it and as a little girl I remember the first time I played a piano. Barely able to peek pass the keys, I fell in love with that instrument. Even picking up a guitar was fun if for only myself and not the ears of those around me. Whether it were a piano or guitar, mandolins, violins, banjos or even occasionally dulcimers—pretty much any instrument, string or otherwise, that could produce a decent tune—I was surrounded by them. Growing up IFB did restrict the genres, however, to hymns, gospel and fortunately, in my case, classical was included. Still to this day, I like that last one and it can crack a sentimental smile out of this girl. By my early teens, I started to get my hands on old rock-n-roll and Doo Wop, and often recorded Elvis and the Beach Boys onto cassette tapes from the radio, commercials and all. By eighteen, I really found myself in dangerous territory and discovered the love of all things 1970s rock. I never tire of listening to those absolutely incredible years in music creation and laugh at how so many fundamentalist preachers went on what felt like hour long tirades against such things. Music was a spiritual experience for me; something so "wrong" felt natural, pure, right. By twenty, I took the advice of a friend and tuned into a local radio station playing current pop and country hits and fell in love all over again with that adventure.

Whether it was sitting down at a piano and creating something entirely original or tuning in to listen to a forbidden song, music has always been a reprieve for me. It created a safe space to put words and thoughts to the confusing emotions I was experiencing in my fundamentalist years. Towards my final years in the IFB movement, I turned to it and often it was popping headphones in my ears as soon as church let out to help me process all the conflict, pain and hurt I experienced there. I truly feel that music saved me in many ways. It's not a stretch to say, it's something like sacred. I hope the following 10 songs express that for me as I share those that helped carry me through leaving my childhood church of 15 years, an unhealthy religious movement and even accompanied me on the very first baby steps there after. I hope they help you, too, put into words those tough emotions many of us have experienced. Mostly, I wish you always remember that someone else gets it.

Here are some songs to prove it...

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again - Caleb Hyles

"You're shattered like you've never been before. The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor..." In the final months of 2014, I left my church after becoming physically and emotionally exhausted after many years of hurt. It left my body literally sick. I was shattered. And, I felt like everything I knew was in a million pieces on the floor. Within six months, I made the decision to not only not return to the church, but also to the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination it belonged to. Struggling with grief and the current crisis of faith I was facing, I found this song. It became a beacon, giving me hope that, although life changes and your entire identity can be questioned, you can "get back up, take step one, leave the darkness, feel the sun." I needed reassurance in that moment that my story wasn't over. And just as the song continued to say, yesterday may be a closing door, but I don't have to live there anymore. I could say goodbye, I could tell my heart to beat again. So, I did.

Eat Dirt - Susan Justice

Before I even knew of Susan's Justice's history in a cult called Children of God and later referred to as The Family, I related to the amazing lyrics of her original song Eat Dirt. She had such a way of getting to the heart of the matter of us "sheltered" children's unique upbringing. The second verse was my favorite, because, I, too, found books to open my eyes and what I read really paved my pathway out. "I found a book about mystical things, but Momma said it's against our religion. So late at night I'd read it anyways and that was the last time I asked for permission. And I have to admit that I don't regret telling her lies, 'cause it opened my eyes." Maybe the most important part of this personal story is when she says, "I won't let my years go to waste, living in a cage. This prodigal child will always stray...'cause this world belongs to the brave." That's super powerful!

Catch My Breath - Kelly Clarkson

Somehow, although banned, I caught news of Kelly Clarkson and the pop rock star winning a "wicked" show called American Idol (yeah, other than the worldly music, the title gave it away that idols were sinful). Ironically, as a young adult, a big hit for Clarkson spoke volumes to and for me. So often, I felt exactly as she depicted in Catch My Breath: I spent most of my life learning how to react, catching my breath, letting it go and turning my cheek for the sake of the show...which I felt then was my church and its cause. After so much time being told what was supposed to be right, I was done. Not out of a need to rebel necessarily, but out of a need to listen to my ever-forming conscious. Listening to this particular song kept the fight in me to do just that; it often put a fire in me.

Praying - Kesha

I believe it was in 2017, that a younger sibling, who had also made the difficult decision to leave our childhood church and faith, did one of the very best things for me. They gifted me the song Praying. After coming across it themselves, they sat me down and played me this powerful anthem after telling me this was for our former church. I bawled like a baby and played it over and over again. Because, yes, some churches, their pastors and their people can bring the flames, put you through hell. In this, you sometimes have to learn how to fight for yourself, but you can become stronger and look back at how they almost had you fooled, believing you would be nothing without them. You can be proud of who you are and know for certain that, regardless if they told you were done, they were wrong. The very best is yet to come. Still, on some days when I need the reminder, I let Kesha do the preaching.

Pocketful of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield

Everytime I hear that opening melody in Pocketful of Sunshine, I'm instantly transported to my much younger self shutting myself up in my bedroom, singing out loudly the lyrics to this song. Constantly, I repeated the course, over and over again, until I could convince myself that anyone could do what they wanted, but they wouldn't break me. That their unkind words were sticks and stones that wouldn't ever shake me. No matter what, I couldn't be owned and I couldn't be controlled. Then, I started to dream of getting away, finding a secret place, some sweet escape from it all. 

Numb - Linkin Park

From talking to other survivors, apparently a lot of us have this song, along with so much else, in common. Within uniformed and controlling groups, such as Christian Fundamentalist sects, all the rules, all the pressure, the commands to conform or else were often suffocating. I was tired of being what others wanted me to be. I became faithless, left drowning under the surface. I didn't feel I could be what was expected; couldn't walk in other's shoes. I didn't feel. In the church and out of it, carrying all that with me—I found myself numb. Numb by Linkin Park was a game changer personally. It became a bittersweet companion throughout my early journey and I am still thankful for its raw emotions and truth.

Simon - Lifehouse

Simon was one of those songs that I discovered in the days after leaving IFB, but it found me at just the right time. At this point in my journey, I was struggling to make sense of all the hurt I had either experienced myself or witnessed done to others. It was trying to process stumbling across the vast reach of abuse in my past faith that this song's words really spoke for me. It was not only validation for my own hurt, hearing that I wasn't alone, but it became what I wanted to tell all the others I came across that sadly, knew that first-hand as well. "I've felt the same, locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered, where you feel safe. The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones, breaking them 'til they've become just another crown." As a former IFB, that choice of words speaks in a whole different meaning and are that more powerful because of it. How often was that the case? My favorite part of this song is that we shouldn't believe the bully—don't believe the lies told to you, not one word was true. You're all right, you're all right. 

Hit The Floor - Linkin Park

Another Linkin Park fight song became a truth teller for me, personally. First of all, I found that within a matter of months of leaving my past church, that after surrounding myself with peace and quiet, I could easily become startled by loud noises and anything remotely resembling loud preaching and screaming preachers (yes, spiritual abuse is real and trauma can occur due to it, along with the emotional and verbal abuse sometimes utilized during it—please know there are professionals out there that can help). Because of that struggle, I started to listen to different genres. Cue Hit The Floor. Not only did I find this helped me immensely, it allowed me to speak truth about a movement, its churches and their pastors before I was able. It helped me grieve and admit that, yeah, grief sometimes brings anger. And that's okay. The overall tone of this song may appear dark and even vengeful, but for me, it was healing. After recognizing the hurt and the anger, I got to grieve more authentically. And because of that, I took a huge step forward. "So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies. So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside. I know I'll never trust a single thing you say. You knew your lies would divide us, but you lied anyway. And all the lies have got you floating up above us all, but what goes up has got to fall." 

Hero - Mariah Carey

I still smile at the old CD I have of Hero. Honestly, now with everything digital, I tossed the dusty case in storage with other momentous I collected over the years. Three CDs were birthday gifts to me while I was still a fundamentalist kid. Believing it wasn't true for years, this song was a huge realization to me. Although its style is dated, its words are not and it's those words I want every fundamentalist kid to know. "It's a long road when you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold. And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside and you know you can survive. So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong. And you'll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you."

What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

As cliche as it sounds, What a Wonderful World became important to me. The word 'world' or term 'worldly' were loaded language in the environment I grew up in. The World was not made of loving human beings as much as it was evil, damned and doomed. Leaving the world of Christian Fundamentalism meant relearning old terms with new meanings. Needing a reminder that not only was it not a negative word, but a beautiful place with equally beautiful people in it, this song helped me see the world in a different light. For that, I'm grateful. It's always a great reminder for all of us.♥️

The IFB Song (Independent Fundamental Baptist)

And finally, as a bonus for those of you who are former IFB, here's a humorous take on those days. Sometimes, after everything, it's good to find ourselves being able to laugh a little about those times. This "song" I found courtesy of other Independent Fundamental Baptist survivors out in cyberspace. I have to admit, it's pretty funny and more than accurate with what I remember. ;)

So, that's 10 (11 for some of you) songs that helped me through some tough times. I hope that you not only took a listen, but maybe consider passing them on to someone else that needs a reminder that there's hope after leaving a church, a faith, an entire preconceived life. I've really enjoyed sharing not only these incredibly powerful songs, but some of my story along the way. Until next time, happy listening!


Photos courtesy: Unsplash