It's Been 2 Years: An Overview & Update

Next month marks two years since I started sharing both the past and present in what fundamentalism can look like. I've written through numerous stages in my life and am left in awe on how much its changed in just a short time.

I started much from the beginning, trying to depict my earliest of days in the cult and what that personally looked like. I shared unique stories from my upbringing in that isolated world.

I wrote posts, deeply painful ones, while taking on my past church that continues to fail victims still to this day and who allow wolves in their midst. I never dove into that tough time and don't plan to today, but you never know...give me a few tomorrows and I may just do that. I had to relive a lot of painful memories two years ago and while doing so, this blog became a wonderful outlet to put emotions to paper. 2019 was the year that kicked my butt into gear and truly jump started tackling the great obstacle of choosing me for once.

2020, I feel was a year of personal growth for me. Even amongst this global pandemic, I started to take back my life. The prior year taught me one thing: It was finally my time. I craved healing and steps forward from the cult. That in mind, I stepped back considerably from online advocacy and started to advocate more for myself those first 6 months. It was incredible to concentrate on my health, get into nature, try new things and start to gradually work towards a life of my own choosing. By doing all of this, I found myself starting to heal more and more. That healing opened more doors for me as a writer and as a person. It also allowed me to unexpectedly stumble across new people in my personal life that I'm truly grateful for. It's taught me more about being vulnerable, trusting and love. I'm so much happier than honestly ever. 

It hasn't all been positive. Although I shared that I stared working more on my health, I also have come to find that there has been a reason I've felt sick for so, so long. I actually am. Can't lie, there is some irony there when I think of the cult and the church I used to belong to. They were highly convinced I was faking and wanted to just "skip out" on the "House of God." Come to find out (as I always tried to say) that I was real deal and truly sick. I have an incurable chronic illness that causes many things, including chronic pain, due to trauma. That trauma included surviving a controlling cult. This has been difficult to accept, but I'm working on it. I'm thankful to have support from those that love me. I'm determined to live my life beautifully even on the most difficult days.

A positive on my health though is my mental health. Yes, I'm working on this with a caring professional and I just can't believe I waited so long to find such validation and helpful resources. I'm growing as an individual and this is remarkable for me. It's also wonderful to see that growth in my personal relationships. Learning to communicate is so, so important after leaving a high control group. I'm learning to speak up for my needs and my wants, along with respecting others. Finding tools to help manage my PTSD has been very helpful (getting my official diagnosis too). I know making that step is scary, but it's a step I truly wish I made earlier. I'm just grateful I've made that leap. I'm proud of me.

I think one of the most rewarding things of this blog is hearing from survivors. Whether it was personal messages, emails or comments, I've been deeply touched by your words. I've had formers share their own stories, saying they felt validated and less alone. I've had current cult members reach out to ask for help and those moments always make my heart ache, but I'm also left in awe of their strength. I've heard from current fundamentalists, most commonly IFB, who tend to disagree and that's fine. I hope that at least they walked away maybe pondering a question that they follow up with searching for an answer.

I've been fortunate to have found such support and love from so many. It's enriched my life and I'll never forget that.

As to the direction of this blog.... Gosh, I truly don't know! As I said last year, I guess as long as the words flow, I'll keep writing. Regardless, I feel that if I were to step away now, I'd feel good about that. I've been honest, I've shared and I've tried to give others a voice. As long as I do that, I feel like my job is done and hopefully done well. There are so many things I'd still like to accomplish on writing about Christian Fundamentalism and this blog is a good resource for that. I feel I've found a healthy balance with my current life and sharing about my past in the cult. With that balance, it's enabled me the ability to dive even deeper into issues that are not only important to me, but ring true for others out there. 

What I've learned and life keeps schooling me on is that after leaving an environment that knew all the answers, life doesn't operate like that. And I'm thankful for that. I'm glad things don't always turn out the way they are said to. I'm happy that things that enrichen our lives come in unexpected gifts and the things that challenge us teach us more about ourselves than maybe ever before. I'm grateful for others, survivors and those that support us, who become companions and cheerleaders on our journeys. Even with as difficult as it is to create a life after the cult, it's so been worth the happiness that awaits us. I can't say it's more easier, but it's definitely more rewarding. Life on the outside is worth it. And as always, I will continue to encourage others to leave, to brave those unfamiliar waters and swim towards freedom. I promise you, you are truly not alone. 

X,

Lydia Joy

Photo courtesy: Unsplash