Seeing Beyond the Broken

 

Much of my life has operated around this broken and problematic thing called black-and-white thinking. It’s how my beliefs were ingrained into me, how I made my decisions and the lens through which my emotions were translated. One thing was either one way or the other, and there was never any middle ground. It was either wrong or right, black or white, good or bad. There was never an in between, no place for doubts or unanswered questions. Everyone around me displayed this mentality, and because children often mimic the adults in their lives, I, too, grew up with much of that mindset.

Even after leaving fundamentalism that thrives off such thinking, those thought patterns have unfortunately followed me. While trying to find my views, my values, and my own way, I’ve found that the mindset I grew up with still finds ways to seep into my subconsciousness. For example, humans make mistakes, and a good person can do bad things, but still be a good person. That is just a part of being alive, of living, and an important piece to the puzzle of understanding that we as humans are complex individuals. We truly are and not just our PTSD either.

Now, I know, I know. I get it – there are some limits to that whole “I’m a good person but did a bad thing.” Yeah, I agree. Obviously, there are some things that I do believe are unforgivable and done by truly awful people (e.g., pedophilia).

I guess what I am trying to get at is this…. We can feel hurt and know a person is still a good person. This isn’t related to abuse; this isn’t about abuse–this is about healing. I’ll share another example, but this time, it’s a personal one.

I’ve recently just saw the end to a wonderful relationship. Its end broke my heart into pieces. I have no doubt it was made more complicated that this was my first true relationship outside of the confines of a cult and I had found true acceptance just as I was in this person. I felt hurt by the fact a good person and I hit the end of the road on our journey together. Since it was a good journey, on a fascinating road, I didn’t want that adventure to ever stop, and my heart hurt when it did. I was hurt by the loss of something good.

Growing up, I had only ever witnessed shunning. I never saw a healthy end to healthy relationships. I have never witnessed a healthy relationship, period. I’ve only ever been on the receiving end of the unhealthy kind. Have only ever had to cut ties or be shunned by toxic people. I’m well acquainted with that kind of pain. It’s the pain of betrayal, of abuse, of loosing something that was never good to begin with, but you still wished it could have been. So, my brain has only known that kind of toxic loss. I had no way of understanding losing something good and it remaining good. That’s like oil and water to me–it just wouldn’t work in my brain.

I’ve learned through life and therapy, and thankfully even wonderful survivor friends who understand exactly what I’m going through, that it’s okay to feel hurt by someone that was good. It’s not that they even made a bad decision, but it was the decision’s impact on me that causes my heart to hurt.

This is also a part of healing.

Accepting that things are not black-and-white is part of the healing process. It’s hard, it’s sometimes an active routine in mental gymnastics to work through that old and nonfactual conditioning, but it’s important.

We all will learn this in life. We all will be tested with this truth. I tend to stay away from the forgiveness topic because it was used so disgustingly in my time in fundamentalism and I personally felt its sting in the victim shaming department. But a part of me thinks this is one occasion where it can be relevant and possibly used. I can accept that things come to an end, and sometimes a very beautiful, bittersweet ending at that, even the good things we don’t want to. I can even accept and respect why they do. And I can forgive someone for not making a bad decision that caused me to shed tears and broke my heart. I can grieve. I can heal. I can move forward. I can grow. I can live.

To live authentically, which I talk a lot about on this blog, is so important for those who have survived religious trauma (or any other form of trauma really). We need that freedom and that power that we reclaim for ourselves. Understanding this lesson in life is part of me living authentically, because it’s a part of me grieving authentically too. If I said to myself, “This person is bad, so now I can hate them!” I wouldn’t stop grieving, I’d never heal, and I’d never break that old mindset taught to me my entire life. My feelings would be valid, always, regardless. I’m just not feeling the hate.

That is why I chose to love them and move on. Why I don’t wish them ill. We all must make tough decisions. I’ve made some just this past weekend and, in the days, since. Choosing what’s best for you, for your future, for your healing journey is tough. It can take strength that you can’t even fathom. It’s an incredibly difficult place to be in. I’m offering grace to myself and others today. A grace so unlike fundamentalism’s. It’s a grace that is earned by their goodness. I’m a former fundamentalist and I believe in grace.

I believe in hope. I believe in love. I believe in beautiful chapters that eventually end and the memorable books they belong to. I still read on anyway. I promise I always will.

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