10 Gifts The Outside World Gifted Me

 

I was always terrified of the outside. The world was scarry and dangerous. As a little girl, I was always aware that evil lurked around every corner—in the churches with different names on them than my own, in those who were at ballgames, my neighbors, and even some of my unsaved relatives. It was so ingrained in me that I avoided all those that were labeled the “lost.” I would protect my testimony, myself and my family and not dwell with sinners.

The world on the outside was viewed from the lens that I was conditioned with. Most have heard of “red colored glasses” and seeing the world in that light… well, mine were those of suspicion. Suspicion and fear because of a religious dogma that put commitment to your spiritual family above all.

Even when that spiritual family physically beat you, screamed how terrible you were and that you were unworthy of good things, even when that family sexually abuses you or keeps you from help—that spiritual family deserved your loyalty.

Loyalty… a dangerous experience if you grow up in the world of fundamentalism.

I was loyal though. Even though I became acquainted with danger every single day, I remained loyal. Out of fear, out of love, out of suspicion, out of habit, out of what I had been taught as right—I continued to be loyal. Until I realized that the pain that came with loyalty was not only unfair, but in fact, unholy.

God couldn’t be in such abuse, in such pain, in such chaos caused by Christians that harmed others, including me. I started to do one thing that I had been taught, however, I “took it to God” these fears and questions. I disobeyed and asked the all-powerful being why this was happening? I didn’t get the answer I was looking for; an answer at all really. But I did get strength.

I got the strength to risk damnation to be safe. I got the strength to leave only what I had ever known for the great unknown. I’ll be honest, I was lost. I had grown up with what was said to be a certainty as long as I stayed within the four walls of the church. But those walls were a prison to me. I could not grow. I could not be myself. I could not be safe.

Outside of those walls, in that great unknown, I found a lot of things…

Safety

Unlike all the years of preaching and conditioning, there was a lot of safety on the outside. There were safe people, too. There were a lot of safe spaces for my story and there was also support. 

Grace

There was, in fact, grace by the world. I found that most people offer it when they use compassion towards a survivor first and foremost.

Joy

I found joy and finally felt like I understood why I had such a middle name after all. There was joy to be found in the simple things: not fearing hell, learning and connecting with others, in music and movies, in nature walks where I could heal.

Healing

Healing, a true balm to my soul. I found this in finding other survivors of the IFB and abuse victims. I found it in seeing people fighting for women and children. I found it in therapy and making new connections.

Happiness

Growing up, between the trauma, there were rare happy moments. Those moments kept me hanging on, clinging to being alive. These moments were so rare that it was hard to recount them. It wasn’t until I broke free from fundamentalism that I found it more and more. I feel happy so often now that it’s become normal to laugh, smile, feel at peace and in love with my life. I’m happy. Genuine happy.

Love

I was told that I was loved. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t manipulated. The love I did have was by those who also were experiencing the same harm. Eventually, most of us left and have found ourselves on the other side of the pain. I found love afterwards in healing, in devoting myself to change, setting boundaries and finding others doing the same in return. I also found it in those who I met after the cult. I have gradually made a life filled with loving people.

Family

My family life was also complicated. Even today, it can be. But I cut ties or was shunned by the hurtful ones. And because of that, I have been able to create marvelous memories with those whose love comes with no strings attached. I am blessed.

Appreciation

I have found an appreciation for my hard work, for my sticking it out, for being brave and in those times where I couldn’t be. I always told myself to just push through but I’m oh so grateful for the times I stopped being brave to no longer brave abuse but truly step away and became free of it. I appreciate my journey. I appreciate myself.

Truth

For me, everyone really, we all have an opinion on truth. Truth to me is the facts, the sometimes-heartless reality. truth is scary. Truth is sometimes chilling. It will make you question everything and everyone. but without it, I would still be lost to a cult and stuck in a pit of pain. I accepted a hard truth and that was it was up to me to save myself and so I did. I like to say I’m still saving myself. I’m no longer in a cult, but I am also growing. The truth has been a big part of that.

Acceptance

Realizing that it was up to me to save myself was not easy. But acceptance helped me take the big and small steps in order to free myself. taking responsibility for my own needs and my healing paved the way to where I am today. And today… oh today! Today, is so different. I never thought I’d make it to a today like the one I have. It’s not always perfect but it is safe. It is wholesome. It is mine.