Be Loud

Yesterday, I nearly ran into a person who was a key figure in my life for the last fifteen of the twenty-one years I was in the IFB movement. I was shopping and instantly turned the other direction out of shock, out of years of hurt, and because I wasn't sure I could hold my tongue. I remained in years of abuse as a child because of these people, have chronic PTSD and long-term and incurable health issues that my doctors have clearly stated came from the constant trauma I experienced. It's been seven years since I last saw them. I'm still the same person, but I've also grown significantly as a human being, too. The discomfort didn't trigger a panic attack, something I always thought would be a given when I've imagined that moment over the years though. I moved on and went about my day. I don't even know if they noticed me and didn't lose sleep over it wondering. I ended up feeling peace just from knowing I'll never be in that prison of a church again, never be a prisoner to their movement.

I'm a person who is prone to introspection every time I turn around. I think deeply, sometimes to my detriment. But often, I simply ponder things. I couldn't help but ponder on what seven years translated to. 

Cue the awe here.

I'm in awe of the person I'm becoming. Sure, there have been setbacks, many of them actually, but in spite of that I've always been "becoming." I can't begin to explain how much of a difference advocating for myself has made. For a girl born to be silent, speaking up is the most daring thing I've ever done. 

I'm in awe of where this journey has taken me in learning to speak up. My journey first started in 2017 with connecting with former IFB online and that jumpstarted my healing. It helped me come out of a deep, dark depression after leaving the cult.

From there, in 2018, I went on to collect crimes with IFB roots with my twin sister in our own social media group The Pathway Out (Independent Fundamental Baptists). The info collected there went on to contribute to the 'Spirit of Fear' series, which was a groundbreaking investigative piece by the Fort Worth Star-Telegram on the abuses in the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement. It also aided in the creation of an abuser database, the first of its kind of all IFB affiliated abusers. 

Between all of of this, in 2019, I created Once Upon a Time in My Oceania, this very blog, about surviving Christian Fundamentalism and what became my outlet to continue spreading awareness about the harm cults do and to normalize the "c" word. Not to mention, help me process some pretty surreal experiences in fundamentalism.

After taking nearly a year to step back from advocacy and prioritize concentrating more on my personal life, make steps for my future, focus on existing relationships and creating new ones, 2021 meant volunteering for a non profit as the next step on this journey of advocating for religious abuse victims. This cause is incredibly personal to me. Over the past four years, I've spoken to hundreds of survivors of movements like IFB and other spiritually abusive groups that share similar experiences to my own. I've been fortunate to find support and have crossed paths with incredible advocates, survivors and professionals alike who work tirelessly at spreading awareness about religious abuse and offer resources to victims. 

It gives me hope. 

I'm in awe of all of it. Hearing from those I knew that have made that leap and have left fundamentalism always makes me rejoice. I know how difficult that step is, but it's one that has freedom and free will as a companion. I see you and you're not alone. In fact, I'm in awe of YOU.

I truly believe yesterday's unexpected moment played out the way it did because I've made my own tough steps to personally heal a lot from a cult. 

I had to research my roots, learn the history. I had to connect with others who understood. I needed to speak truth even though I was terrified. I had to step back and rest, I had to get into therapy and work on the damage my body and brain walked away with. I had to live, try new things, make scary leaps, be vulnerable, embrace love. I needed to focus on me and what I needed, then I was able to pour from my cup that wasn't empty. I learned that, like many things, the hard way. But, I'm thankful for those chapters that have brought me to the one I'm at now. 

To all of you reading this: Thank you. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for your own warrior heart and that fighter's spirit you possess. We know the journey is tough, but we've got this. 

Speak up. Scream your truth. Be Loud. You have no idea who is listening.

Picture courtesy: Unsplash