Here are 8 Pieces of Advice if You've Just Left a Cult or Cult-ish Church

 

My journey post cult has been an uphill battle on most days. The trauma of surviving abuse and a cultic experience translated into struggles I still face today. Back in Autumn of 2014, when I left the abusive group I was a part of for 21 years, I didn’t have tools or support really. I shut down emotionally and mentally. I lost myself and fell into a dark depression that lasted 3 years without any relief.

I started seeing improvement after connecting with other survivors. Then, I started to join the rest of the world. I started advocating, researching, and offering help to those that I could. In 2019, when I called out my past church for harboring an alleged abuser, I decided to step away in many ways and focus on myself after that negative response. Experiencing betrayal after betrayal by friends and family was my cue I needed to focus on my recovery.

Within a year, I started building for my future. I sought out joy, took care of myself, created my support system, and socialized more than ever. In that short span of time, I have grown incredibly and am so thankful. But those years alone and struggling with no support were difficult to say the least. Frankly, I am thankful I’m alive today.

 

Here are eight pieces of advice I wished I had known upon leaving that I think would have helped me greatly:

1. Set boundaries immediately

If you have just left your past cult or an abusive church, immediately set a boundary and do not return. Limit contact with members while you figure things out. There is a good chance, unfortunately, they’ll take this step for you but in actuality they will shun you. Although this is utterly heartbreaking, take the space and use it to your advantage in gaining space from the abuse.

2. Find a support group

Online support groups helped me so much. Frankly, they had a big part in saving my life and why I even have a life today. Find one on social media for the past group you left and join it. You don’t have to immediately share; you’ll find just by reading posts by other formers just like you that you are not crazy. The support is such a deal changer.

3. Find a secular therapist

Most cult survivors tend to walk away with trauma from their time in the cult. Disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are very common. Having a trained professional to support you and point you in the direction of services is vital in recovering from a cult. A good mental health professional can support you, validate you and help you learn tools to thrive after cultic abuse. I wish I had done this years ago.

4. Explore new things

Exploring the world brought so much joy to me. Granted, I was “sheltered” my entire life and what I knew of the real world were the harsh realities I had survived. For example, not every child will have to face down an abuser in a courtroom. I knew all too well how difficult survival is, how it crushes your spirit and steals a piece of you, your very innocence. But I did not know enough of the beauty in the world. I needed to know there were good people out there and not everyone was out to hurt me or children. I safely explored and it was so worth it!

5. Create your own family

Leaving a cult often means leaving with no one. It gets extremely lonely after escaping abuse of any form. But it is worth it, even in that lonely period. Joining in on community events, checking out events at your local library or finding a new hobby where you can form friendships is so helpful. Over time, you will see that the people of the “world” can actually be pretty great in spite of what most cult survivors were taught.

6. Take care of yourself

Take care of you. Take care of your health and your mental health too. Do fun things. Relax. Enjoy yourself. And understand that it is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and often lost after leaving an abusive church.

7. Take time to heal

Don’t rush the grieving process. You suffered a lost of many forms when exiting a cult. There likely will be many different layers to grief. Some seasons, you’ll return to for a shorter period of time but will inevitably overcome. You cannot rush grief. Grieving is extremely healthy even if it’s uncomfortable. Be gentle with yourself.

8. Help others

An incredible way to heal is to help others. Giving back helps so much. Whether that is volunteering for a nonprofit that helps victims of religious abuse (like I do) or helping a cause that is local to you, giving back is a way to heal old wounds. You can also surround yourself with people who have similar causes as your own and find friendships in that.

Regardless of if you’re leaving an abusive church, a religious cult or a toxic relationship, all of these tips can be helpful for you on your journey of recovering from abuse. Although leaving takes such strength to make that difficult step, it’s always the right step to make when you walk away from things that are unhealthy and are hurting you. If ever you need support, please feel free to contact me. I’ve been where you are and it’s tough, but I promise that the sun will shine again, and the sight is so worth it.

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