No, You're Not a Burden: Here's Why

 

Confronting a past that has harmed you without any say from you is difficult. Trying to process the decisions and actions made by others against you is a new level of confusing. I remember when I was a young adult, and my one imprisoned abuser started the process to seek an early release after a few years into his sentence. I started to search for anything I could use to speak up on my behalf if the process ever made it farther. What happened was that I stumbled upon notes and information taken by social workers and the detective on my childhood abuse case. It was very difficult reading those notes, seeing the sadistic mindset of my abuser. I remember that when asked why he molested me as a child that his response was that I was “annoying.” In his abusive and twisted mind, he molested a child for being a child and to him who was annoying child at that.

I remember the turmoil reading that unwarranted explanation caused in me. I was always told that I was annoying growing up and even as an adult. I was “needy,” I was “loud,” I was “dramatic,” and I was “annoying.” I knew then that there is really no way to understand why an abuser will abuse, especially innocent children. I also know that nothing that I did warranted my innocence being stolen and my body being assaulted. Unlike what my abuser said, I did not “annoy” him into molesting me. He was a child molester and child molesters molest children, period.

What did occur though was the years of insecurities of being a bother to others appearing again and again and intensely so. I was aware that people seemed to get frustrated in my presence or that my constant talking or even my personality may annoy them. I decided to go out of my way to lesson those odds and started acting more like how I imagined those around me wanted me to act. I bit my tongue more often and didn’t seek attention as much. I crawled into a hole and refused to be authentic.

But this all backfired. Why? Because the real me, the little girl that couldn’t hold her tongue and didn’t want to, still managed to be defiant in the presence of people who said I was annoying. I learned an important lesson in this. When the scenery and the people in the picture have a problem with you, one that is about opinion and nothing more, change your path and walk away. Also, I have a right and the freedom to be authentically myself and anyone who says differently in this case is simply being manipulative or toxic.

I offer grace to so many. I don’t stop loving people because they “annoy me.” With boundaries, it’s simply getting along with people. It’s part of all relationships. That grace I show to so many good people, I didn’t show enough to myself as a good person. I deserved it. I deserve so much.

I still struggle with feeling like a burden after years of growing up being told that I was a child that was an inconvenience, that my needs didn’t matter, that I was annoying. I understand now that none of this was true and was only uttered by people that were either abusive or an adult that didn’t manage stress well and projected that stress onto me as a child. My psyche took it all in though. It absorbed the positive and far more often the negative and now I have to consciously work hard on not believing those lies.

As an adult, I resort to that little girl, crying and shutting down, and often away from others and especially those that love me. I know it’s my PTSD diagnosis and I also know the tools that I’ve learned to help me with it. What used to have me shut down for days takes only minutes now to come back from. I’m gradually making progress. I’m slowly healing and making steps forward on my journey.

I’ve shared all of this to say this to you who struggles with the emotional and verbal abuse by parents, siblings, other family, or a pastor: You’re not responsible for the abuse you experienced. You’re not annoying. You’re not a burden, but I do know that the burden you carry gets heavy. You are allowed to take up space, to have needs, to voice them, to feel, and to experience strong emotions.

Most of us are abuse survivors of some form and of some stripe or we have someone we love who is. Maybe you experienced the unique world of the IFB like I did or another religious group that harmed you, or maybe you have someone you love who has or is currently a part of such groups. Regardless, if you have ever at some point in your life, whether as a child or an adult, felt like you were unworthy or that something was wrong with you, I’m here to say that is false.

The truth: You’re a person that belongs being respected in every area of your life, especially by the people who claim to love you.

When I was child, I was told I was loved by many of the people who hurt me. Sometimes, I could see the spite in their eyes as they hit me. Sometimes, I felt that I deserved that spite based on their lies.  Through healing (and I’m still very much healing today), I can see the manipulation and narcissism for what it was. Those old feelings those words and actions conjured up are still deeply ingrained in me and sometimes I don’t even realize until I am faced with a trigger, but the difference is now I know that is the past that sometimes shows up in my present.

My wish for myself and all of you who struggle with this is that we will never believe a lie someone hateful planted in us again. That we will heal, find happiness, live in the moment, and enjoy our freedom, free from abuse and control. And for the days when the harm done seems to be surrounding us, leaving us convinced that it’s still ongoing, I wish all of us comfort and peace. The one thing I know to also be true is that we’re never truly alone. I see you. I hear you. I get it.

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