Once Upon a Time in My Oceania

I had an unlikely ability to arise in the final years leading up to my exit from my past fundamentalist community and that was the ability to actively begin omitting. This was unusual due to the fact that that meant I had something to keep back. Thoughts uniquely mine began to develop, take root and form an argument that would build deep in my gut and reappear to debate while I was alone or at night, unable to go to sleep. Thoughts like wondering why I wasn't enthusiastic about serving in my church, feelings of disillusion with leaders and the cause, and the ever growing isolation that seemed to swallow me up whole while in the midst of a congregation. I began to have doubts and with them came the gnawing feeling to understand why.  You're not to understand why. You're to do or die.  That was a mantra I heard often growing up, demanding that asking why is proof of rebellion. Those final years I didn't fight to hold the doubts at bay anymore; I couldn't ignore...

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” One of the most brilliant minds ever to share his thoughts, George Orwell, wrote that. It’s a thought that greatly resonates with me. I have had many secrets, hiding them from myself. It’s not presumptuous to say it was something of a habit to me, a process memorized and instilled in my psyche since birth. Not the act of lying necessarily. But the ability to tune out every ounce of information that threatens your Utopia, or rather, Oceania? Yes. Later, I’ve learned this is more to do with a little two-word definition of cognitive dissonance, which when faced with new evidence, a person feels mental discomfort over conflicting beliefs, ideas or values. You could say that discomfort is something I have felt many, many times over. Throughout this blog, I would like to explore that with those of you who are willing participants in reading my own thoughts.                  ...