Once Upon a Time in My Oceania

  They told me to wait. Don’t give your body till your wedding night. After that, you can never stop giving it. Guard your purity. Guard your testimony. Guard yourself. Also, be the guard for all men. Protect your testimony and theirs, too. Help them not lust. Be a shield for their eyes. Do not put on that skirt, that top, that color. Do not tempt them with certain looks, certain laughs, your secret charms that are also secret to you. Prevent sin at all costs. Do not be a temptress for your fathers, brothers, and brothers-in-Christ to stumble. Do not flirt, bat your eye lashes, use a soft and sweet voice unless you’re obedient. Men are unable to control natural urges. Your job is to help them out. All the while, women were never helped. We, women, were responsible for every crime involving men… except it was never considered a crime. It’s just how men are built, after all. Purity Culture only benefits the patriarchy.  

Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence I can't say I ever witnessed a happy marriage in my time in fundamentalism. Not one couple comes to mind over those twenty-one years where I feel were a relationship to look up to, to use as an example of what to look for in a future partner. The relationships I witnessed were often replicas of each other, with the power dynamics of each one appearing very much the same. The first thing I automatically think of is the fact men called the shots, even for their own wives. Very rarely (if ever) did I witness a woman making a decision without the greenlight by their husband. I knew wives who couldn't even go on a grocery run without their husband's permission. Every step had to be approved by their husband or else it was a step out of line. The inability to make decisions for themselves like where to go, what to wear, how to style their hair or how to apply their make-up are just a few examples. Women were admonished for simple things...

Living in the world of fundamentalism as a female was a different kind of complicated. There were unique aspects that solely applied to the women and girls within it, and because of that, there are certain negative takeaways that many of us have, even years after leaving our particular Christian Fundamentalism movements. There are some things that we, as women who have lived in that world, only fully understand. From what formers have shared, I believe this is true for males as well and, in my opinion, stems directly from the enforced restrictions and roles all members, regardless of their gender, were made to adhere to. There was always segregation of one form or another under the guise of separation and doing things "decently and in order," as we so often were told.  I think of it as this: There's the large box of Christian Fundamentalism; my particular group, Independent Fundamental Baptists, fits perfectly in it. Then follows the authority roles of pastors, with...