No Home For The Holidays: Why The Holidays Can Be Difficult For Cult Survivors

One of the most wonderful times of the year is upon us and signs of the season are everywhere we look. I found myself happily smiling at holiday lights decorating neighborhood homes and the brightly lit Christmas trees gleaming through their front windows. I love wreaths on their front doors and the warm, homey feeling I imagine is just beyond them. The holidays are supposed to be joyous, filled with loved ones and the love they bring to you on display just like those decorations. And although many do find that to be true this time of year, sadly, not all do. Cult survivors can be that exception and some don't have a home to go back to for the holidays. 

This can be for many reasons and through this blog post I'm going to try and tackle some of those possible reasons. I hope that by doing so others will open their hearts and consider survivors of all stripes, and the difficulties they may face during what is supposed to be the jolliest time of year.

Shunning

Shunning is sadly common place in society in one form or another, but in religious groups, its harm can be much more profound and felt in unique ways. It's often that once an individual leaves the religious movement they're in, they are marked, made to feel like an outcast by other members who they may have known for years. A lot of the times shunning can be done by a person's own family who will, because of conditioning, choose to stay away from their loved one that leaves the church. In some cases, the pastor and the church or other leaders will excommunicate said member. Survivors often don't go home for the holidays because there is no open door or welcome arms waiting for them.

Toxic Family

Many of us are fortunate to have a loving family as a support system, but that is not every survivor's reality. Some have the unfortunate circumstances of not only not having a healthy support system, but the unhealthiness stemming directly from their own family. Sadly, in many cases going home during this season can be detrimental to their mental health and healthy boundaries they have had to make. Maybe there is a parent that was emotionally abusive or a sibling that would always find fault in them in a passive aggressive way. This time of year may even trigger hurtful memories of past Christmases from childhood. The fact is sometimes those that we would normally celebrate with are not celebrating us and with the absence of support, there's no room at the table for you.

Trauma

Often times, the holidays can be incredibly triggering for survivors of abuse. Emotionally and mentally, survivors can struggle immensely. Periods of anxiety and depression can increase and the symptoms of PTSD can heighten. The push to be jolly during Christmas time can add to that pressure and stress to feel happy in the present even while a person's past haunts them with heartbreaking memories of surviving trauma. A mental health counselor can be very helpful throughout the year, but especially during the holiday season. 

Loss of Community

Upon leaving a toxic church, many lose their only sense of community. Because strict religious groups often preach separation from non-believers, their entire social connections are within their group. Any celebrating of special occasions or holidays were all in-group meaning that once they leave there is no longer that circle of friends they may have once had. By leaving their faith community they lost their only community. Transitioning into the real world and trying to make new friendships can take time, sometimes years. During this transition, many cult survivors have no one to celebrate the special moments many of us take for granted.

Unfamiliar with Secular Traditions

Because many cults control every aspect of a member's existence many are cut off from the greater world. Often, survivors are unfamiliar with a lot of the practices and traditions society has embraced. Maybe things like Christmas trees and Santa Claus were banned and they never celebrated Christmas in their childhoods. Maybe, there were bans on gift giving or holiday songs or television specials that highlight this wonderful time of year. The point is, controlling groups tend to control even a member's source of fun, joy, and entertainment. Exiting a cult only to find yourself overwhelmed with trying to understand what is considered "normal" can leave survivors feeling like even more of an outsider. While some members may have celebrated specific holidays, not all did.

Regardless if it's due to shunning, toxic family, trauma, loss of community, unfamiliarity with common secular traditions or another reason neglected to be mentioned here–the holidays are a time of year where survivors need support, maybe more than ever. We're all fighting our own battles others may not see, but simple things like an act of kindness or a kind word can go a long way to being a lifeline to someone struggling through the holidays. Understanding towards the things we may not understand ourselves can also help alleviate some of the pain survivors of cults experience. Concentrating less on the oddity of the group they left and more on the human being that was once a cult member is important to keep in mind. By opening up your heart and supporting a survivor, you are truly giving them the most important gift this time of year and that's validation. 

Whether we celebrate together or separate, or not at all, be safe this holiday and know you are not alone.

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